Something’s gotta change/ Sounds of laughter and happiness turns my teardrops to rain/ Been bearin’ this burden for too many of my days/ Looks like breezes of autumn done finally blew my way/ Like memories of yesterday…Trees bright and green turn yellow-brown/Autumn caught ‘em, see all them leaves must fall down/ Growin Old.”
-Outkast, 13th Floor/Growing Old
Hey Family,
Que the music! It’s my Birthday (and my work Dad, Rep. Cleaver, and Hillz, and Mahalia!). I am so grateful to be celebrating another year of love, joy, and freedom with you! This year has reminded me of all the beauty of life, and I am so humbled to be able to step into another year.
What is better than one October Birthday? TWO! Happy Birthday to MAMA RYE! I am so grateful for your generosity of spirit, deep compassion, everlasting love, immense wisdom, and unwavering brilliance!
My mom and I share my birthday month with some dynamic people, who unfortunately are not able to celebrate it the way they deserve. To Brittney Griner, we are sending you all the love, and the late George Floyd, you will always be in our hearts.
October is my birthday month and always provides me with an opportunity to reflect on the things that made me. Each year, there are things I focus on shedding and others I cling to in deep gratitude. I have amazing memories with my loving parents and the joy I had growing up with my cousins and grandparents. I am still working on shedding traumas I carry from infidelity in relationships to seeing addiction destroy parts of my larger family. And still, daily, I thank God for abundant life! This year, I just want to get free ya’ll! And the path to freedom is a remarkable and challenging journey.
Deform. This is the second element in this five-part series on how our humanity, if we are fortunate, unfolds and evolves into true freedom. To deform is to force, alter, or make something adapt from its intended nature. These twists, turns, bends, contortions, and distortions can be painful, and we have all experienced them. After we are formed, we begin to take definition. If we are not careful, we will be molded and defined by the hands of others and before we know it a lifetime has passed by and when we come to ourselves, our reflections are unrecognizable.
Deformation is not about transitions or seasonal changes like the one we are in now—autumn when the temperature drops, leaves change colors, and we eat and drink things that warm us up from the inside out. Here, I am not talking about the kinds of shaping and refining that is a result of God’s hands on our lives. We all must endure tests and trials, but I have got to believe I am not the only one who subjected myself to some testing that did not necessarily have to happen! Taking on the shape, the mentality, and the ways of another for sure bring us to the brink of becoming someone other than ourselves. And the truth is that kind of deformation is always painfully unwarranted. Yet somehow it is a part of all our lives—it WILL happen.
Trying to become something we are not is an experience we all have growing up. We have all had that revelatory “I don’t fit in” moment—and sometimes, multiple points—in our lives. We face the harsh, but beautiful realization that we are different and called to that uniqueness. Too often I made the decision after sitting with that revelation to adapt, to morph into something I was not in order to fly below the radar. I would model myself after a prototype instead of resting in the knowledge that I am the prototype for me. What resulted after the distortion is a person I did not like because I did not really know her. And sadly, sometimes it takes years to realize the construction work we have done on ourselves did not get us any closer to our essence.
In middle school I found myself wishing for hair that was a different texture and thinner (SILLY RABBIT!!), so I could have the styles that I loved the most in Hype Hair Magazine. As a result, most of my traumatic hair stories come from some idea I got from the magazine and begged my hairstylist, sister-cousin, Mia to do (even if she warned me that said style would not work because of the length/texture/thickness of my hair). I was in the eighth grade during the resurgence of finger waves and pin curls, and the slick was brought to you by Let’s Jam! I had never had a single finger wave nor pin curl despite my ability to do snake wave baby hairs. I was ready for the revolution as was magazined in Hype Hair. There was one particular style I absolutely had to have. The girl had blunt cut bangs, the top half of her hair with precisely laid pin curls, and the bottom half was pressed and down. My hair was long (past my shoulder blades) and thick. My hair was so thick that every other beautician with the sole exception of Mia complained the entire time they styled my hair.
I had been saving this doggy-eared Hype Hair Magazine image all summer and right up until picture day eve. This was the look. I had my striped crew neck long sleeved shirt and insanely baggy jeans from Jeans West. Your girl was ready for the world—well, at least picture day—and all that was standing in my way was these pin curls because as soon as I excitedly tore open this magazine and showed Mia this hairdo the protest began. Mia was emphatic that my hair was way too long and thick for this hairstyle. It would take too long. The style would not last until tomorrow because it would immediately come apart. The pin curls wouldn’t even sit on my scalp—and I tuned out the rest. All I heard was blah, blah, BLAH! But that blah was wisdom, honey! Nevertheless, I did what I did best whenever I was told no. I met my cousin right in that protest. I did what a little sister cousin does best: I threw an entire fit. Mia reluctant, said what she says when I still throw tantrums now: “FINE! IT’S YOUR HAIR, ANGELA!”
“Yes!” I thought, “I won!”
But how many of you know a great philosopher named Ms. Lauryn Hill said, “you might win some, but you really lost one.” And this? This is the one I lost. It took so long (Mia said this). So. LONG. I was in the tenth grade by the time we finished. And Mia fussed the entire time. We finished miraculously before the return of Jesus Christ. She spun the chair around anddddddd….”WHAT IS THIS?!”
The pin curls were not resting neatly on my head like the girl in Hype Hair. Sure, my blunt cut bangs were LAID just like the back, but these pin curls though?! Have you ever seen a flattened Bantu knot? That’s the best description I have.
Mia said: “I told you, Angela. This style is not for YOU!”
She was right. I should have listened. She could do so many amazing things with my hair, but I wanted something that did not work for me. The interesting thing about the concept of deform is it will always require us to adapt and hopefully, return to what is for us. As soon as I stood up from Mia’s chair, the pin curls started dropping—despite the hair pins she placed in my head to get them to stay. Tears streamed down my face as I got into Papa Rye’s car. I know this was all bad because he didn’t even say “you look nice!” Angela for the LOSS!
“Now, what am I gonna do for picture day?” I thought.
“I can’t let St. Therese have a bad final picture of me! I have come too far since sixth grade! I even have boobs!!”
While the Hype Hair style did not work for me, eight grade pictures did. This style forced me to adapt. I kept a form of the style—the bangs, top half up, and bottom half down. I made it work for me.
Somebody may say: NOWADAYS, sis…there’s a lacefront for that. And while that may be true, I hope the combative among us remember this: there is a way of being and a mission, journey, and purpose that is just for ME (no pun intended) or YOU. It’s so much more challenging to rest in the deform when we can take our intended shape!
(Also, shout out to Hype Hair because y’all are still here fulfilling the hair dreams of little Black girls everywhere!)
Please GO VOTE.
Every opportunity to show up and show out at the polls has to be taken seriously. Ultimately, we are just now starting to see the fruits of our labor and we have to continue to sow seeds to reap the bountiful harvest of freedom and liberation.
Sending you all the love, joy, freedom, justice, and power you can stand.
Righteously and cheerfully,
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