Hey Family,
*Exhales* The year is almost over! 2022 has been a year filled with life lessons, laughter, new adventures, losses, and love. There’s so much that I could say about the crazy year that was 2022, but I think the word that sticks out the most is: grateful. I’m truly grateful for this year because I learned lessons I didn’t know I needed. There’s so much that I’m grateful for, but I cannot express my gratitude enough for YOU! You continue to support me day and I appreciate you so much. During this time of year, spending time with family is so important to me. It brings me joy that I simply cannot describe. I encourage you to find joy this holiday season. Whether it’s spending time with family and friends or spending time with yourself, I want you to do what brings you joy. Why? Because you deserve it!
There are processes we can opt to go through to become a better version of ourselves. Sometimes it feels like a calling or somewhat of a spiritual tug. One day, we look in the proverbial mirror and do not like what is reflected to us. This normally brings about a season of intense change. Historically, I have gone through these seasons by starting with an open-ended question to my loved ones: “where do I need to improve?”
At times, the question comes from self-pity and a result of not seeing, hearing, or feeling the answers anywhere else. As a natural fixer, my biggest project is MYSELF. Far too often, I apply unmeetable and graceless standards to myself, my progress, and my journey. Those questions begin with “Why didn’t you just…”, “Why can’t you…”, “Why do you always…”, “Why aren’t you…”. This line of questioning leads me down a road of deficit mentality because it emphasizes what I am not and where I fall short. Yet, the silver lining (if I can call it that) is I always end up with something to fix. This is a textbook example of our gifts also being our curses.
Treating myself like a project results in temporary, feel good solutions and not always long term paradigm shifts. These shifts are about conforming to some standard I witnessed or otherwise believe exists—but with rules.
When I think about reform, I see strict abiding by rules and following the letter of the law to perfection.
It feels rigid and cold, but also safe. I did an Enneagram assessment a few years back and my primary personality is “The Reformer”. Law school, for me, was about using the law to advocate for the interests of people who are often left out because they do not have people who will stand up for them. I use rules to save, to protect, to advocate, and to create change. No wonder it feels safe! Even as a child, I thrived at competition (more academic than sports because I was a SORE loser!) earning my rewards. From my mom’s chore chart on the wall that was eventually covered with gold starts to school spelling bees, I performed best when I was clear about what rules to follow to win.
Somewhere along the journey, I think we begin to feel like if we just strictly follow these specific rules or this specific formula, we will eventually find our way home to the original versions of ourselves. We try to put the pieces back together again when we may not even recognize the puzzle’s design anymore because there are so many pieces missing.
At this phase, we are DOING change rather than being change… There is something about reforming that turns the page without embracing the darkness, fast forwarding through the pain of the journey just to turn the page.
I met Jesus and that relationship changed the way I spoke and dressed. It changed my hobbies and the music I listened to. It changed my friend circle and sadly, it changed the way I engaged in activism to support racial justice (I am not blaming this on Jesus, but rather my embracing of my specific church’s subculture at the time). I saw emphasis placed on submission—to church leadership and wives to husbands.
For years, when I reflected on my church experience in my youth and young adult years, I was filled with resentment for the rules that led me to sell all my secular CDs (including Aaliyah’s One in a Million album—that’s how you KNOW I love Jesus) to a local buy and sell store. Some of the rules, I had the courage to challenge, but most I didn’t. One rule was there could be no baby showers for single mothers. The elders thought that showering the baby with gifts encouraged teenage pregnancy. I, however, believed that meant punishing a child who did not ask to be born. Since I could not do baby showers through church ministry, I developed a parachurch ministry called Young Women of Virtue that included Bible Studies, small groups, prayer meetings, activities, and…baby showers. That is the impermanence of reform because we did not do much in shifting the mentality of the elders.
It can feel like there’s only one way…very Old Testament where we earn our holiness and righteousness instead of the access granted by God’s unconditional love and grace. This rigidity is why I have a love-hate relationship with grace. Where does that happen?! Shouldn’t I be embracing grace with wide open arms? Yes, of course, but until this day, I wrestle with the concept because I am accustomed to earning my place rather than accepting and receiving grace for my place…that I deserve. WOW.
If we don’t get stuck in the reform work, our road to personal freedom doesn’t end here and we may end up with a more permanent, grace-filled option that involves a little unlearning.
“I’m finally on the other side, I finally found the urge to smile/ Swimmin’ through the oceans of tears we cried/ You know you got church in the morning/ But you’re doin God’s work, you’re goin in/ She ain’t tryna hurt nobody/ She is tryna do the best she can…Nobody can judge me but me/ I was born free” –Beyoncé “Church Girl”
Shout out to the recovering reformers and to the Church Girls Beyoncé sang about! And church: I am in deep gratitude for you because YOU. KEPT. ME!
Happy Holidays, Fam!
Righteously and cheerfully,
